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Useful_Idiot
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Name: Elizabeth
Gender: Female
Interests: My boy Cole, my school Purdue, reading, writing, play harp. Shopping, lounging around (but only with people, it's very lonely doing it alone). Eating is a joy. Sleeping is good, but better in the arms (or at least the bed) of the love of your life.
Expertise: Hopefully once I graduate, it will be Professional Writing. Currently? I'm damn good at being a Front End Lead at CompUSA. I'm a good friend and usually very rational. (If I do say so myself.)
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  Eliz Below
Member Since:
7/4/2003
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| Instead of getting angry or sad, typical basic emotions of a child of an alcoholic, now a days I try to ask myself what I can learn from it, how I will be able to move through life more fulfilled because my mother escapes her "problems' by drinking. I am currently reflecting upon this because since I've been wake (I woke up at about 10 am.) it's been appearant that she is intoxicated. When I came home from my doc. appointment, she was fully asleep, at 1 in the afternoon. I'm not really very mad, and I can't say I'm sad. But I find it difficult to evaluate the situation in order to help me. My social worker person at school tried to do such a thing, and it got me thinking a little bit.
There are two things I know I am addicted to. And when you are addicted to something, actually truely addicted to it, it's a terrible awful thing. My mother is addicted to alcohol and her addiction has hurt me a lot in the past, and no matter what I have done, I haven't been able to stop her. If I can remember that while in the midst of my own addiction, keeping in mind my mother, I feel I can stop myself and understand on a broader level exactly what I am doing. Of course things are different because we don't have the same addictions. But I'm sure we go through must of the same process before, during, and after our own separate episodes.
I guess part of this is hard because I always vowed to be so different than my mom. But that's who she is, my mom. And is something that can never be changed or be any different. I think I'm getting old enough that I will have to accept that. I think that hurts more than anything is how damaged our relationship is, and how unfixable I truely think it has become.
How suburban can I get?
I need to go back to school. Home is choking me.
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| I came back from a trip with one of my best friends a few days ago. We did a little tour of the south...Georgia, SC, NC, The Great Smoky Mountains and then back to Chicago. I've never seen mountians or the ocean before so those were frankly, *very* cool. I feel a tad less sheltered now.
But being with Olivia was a really good time and I think, if it is possible, that we are closer than we were before the trip. I now, really, feel like her sister. And it's going to be hard this school year, harder than last year when I left for school. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, leaving people that I love for months at time. But you know what, it's not easy. And I don't think it ever will be. Being away from Cole for 5 days were terrible. And Sunday he is leaving for school and God knows when I will see him. It doesn't get easier. Espeically when love is only strengthened.
Today I'm feeling a little lost. Sort of floating, without any serious goals but feeling pressure from lots of really stupid things and it makes me so mad. Getting so mad about pety things like money, and angry eBay people, and messy room. Why on earth does my messy room make me feel like I live a messy life? I DON'T! I'm getting mad so I will discontinue this post.
I will try to tan this pale pale skin while I have nothing to do for a couple of hours. | | |
| A little something in me seems to have lost more child, and gained more adult. Call me stupid, but the constant worry over finances has begun to loom over me, and I feel that because of it my life as an adult has taken full affect. I squeeze every second into my time card that I can, ask for an hour here, an hour there. (But I suppose the fact I'm working an hourly job should be saying something.) And once I get back to school I'll be living on pennys, but spending much more than that on my little plastic card.
God damn that plastic card!!
Oh I have restored my Xanga. But I feel I am mature now. Blogs are cool. Not in the high-school emo punk tell-all-your-friends-your-secrets way. I need to experiment with my writing now, because it may, in the future, become my career. So I figured I should restore this silly thing and just write every now and then. Are there other actual writers on Xanga anyway? We'll see.
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| Thanks to Tiger I know have Dashboard Widgets that do the countdowns for me, so I don't have to keep counting them manually.
Accoring to the widgets (I only have two up) it's 104 days until I am Boilermaker (well that's wrong, I'll offically become a Boilermaker in June, but I will, ya know, REALLY be a Boilermaker August 13th.) and 23 days until check out. (23 DAYS??? That's including weekends!!! Holy CRAP!!!)
Cole is home in a mere 5 days. God bless that.
And I have for the first time in my life, totally lost my voice. It's kind of a problem. I fucking hate my body, always getting me sick. This is just craziness.
I have always been thought of as a trustworthy person. Since I could remember, it's an attribute that friends would label on me. Am I no longer trustworthy?? Why do people all of the sudden decide that I'm full of bullshit! Cuz, um, I'm not. I'm still gonna be a loyal friend if you give me the chance, I swear. (Doesn't really happen much anymore though.)
Besides being sick and missing my boy, I've been in a good mood lately. I guess I'll say that again after tomorrow and all my teachers curcify me. Just 3 more weeks, right? | | |
| 111 days until I'm gone.
And at this point gone sounds like a really really wonderful thing.
38 days until graduation. (Hey I just found out Class Marshals get to sit on the stage. Yaay)
30 days until check-out. (21 school days.)
19 days until Prom.
12 days until my baby is home. <---(this almost seems like the hardest one of all)
I've been ill a lot lately. Doing a lot of work. I'll be smiling more in 12 days, don't worry, if anyone is worrying.
I am the bad guy. Always. | | |
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